IDK and I'm OK With That
I developed this sharp stabbing pain 8 days after my heart attack. I had other symptoms too like shortness of breath and night sweats. Called my general practitioner who suggested I run it by my cardiologist. I did. They ran some tests. Everything looked great. I was convinced it was side effects of all the medicine I was on. About a month later all of the other symptoms went away except for this stabbing pain. Some days were worse than others. It wasn't an unbearable pain; it kind of felt like a stitch in your side feels. Maybe a sudden 5-7 on a scale of 10. Then subsides. Then comes back later. I can point right at it. It is under the skin about 1-2 inches. The size of maybe a half dollar.
I did what we all do these days. I googled it. Found a medical forum where page after page described this exact symptom in the exact spot, the tests their doctors had run, and no diagnosis. After reading about 6 pages of posts, I found no one who knew what this pain was. People were very frustrated.
I thought maybe it would go away and I did nothing more until months later the pain started waking me up at night. It was time to have it checked out. After an exam and blood work and several tests - everything is fine. All is as it should be. I actually expected that, but just wanted to make sure nothing was seriously wrong. Initially I went 'Whew, that is good news!" Then I got irritated. Seriously. I can point right at the stupid pain. I can describe it to a T. And you can't figure out what it is? This means I'm supposed to live with it? How annoying!
"Listen to me doctors. I think it is the medicine." "No, that isn't a side effect of the medicine." "Then what is it?" "IDK."
Yesterday on my way to work I got the stabbing pain. I started thinking how unless it is obvious, medicine is kind of a guessing game. A process of elimination. Let's test this and that and then this and keep on going until we narrow it down. In this day and age, with all the advances in modern medicine, all of the training and technology, and brilliant minds; sometimes doctors just don't know. There is so much they are ignorant about.
My mind immediately went to how this relates to a different topic. Questions we have about God. His plans. His ways. (Insight into my wandering thoughts. Scary.)
My daughter at 4 years old asked me, "If God created everything, who created God?"
I'm on a Bible forum and here are some of the questions which have been recently posted.
Why are we not born with the knowledge of God?
I think we are, but I can't say for sure.
Why does He favor others by only talking to them when He is God of all?
Does He favor others? Doesn't He talk to us all and maybe we don't listen? IDK.
If the soul is immortal, where was the soul of Lazarus when he was dead?
If Eve doomed the human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?
(Just seeing if you are paying attention.)
When I first began to read the Bible I had a gazillion questions. What happens to us when we die? Am I really forgiven of my sin? What are angels? Do people become angels when they die? These questions I have searched for answers and found them in the Bible.
But there are a gazillion more questions I can't answer. I'll never be able to answer.
Atheists and cynics like to come on the Bible topic and treat Christians as if we are idiots, ignorant, unintelligent,.... They think if science can't prove it, it isn't true. (I have to remember many of them are young. I was like that too back then.) I was thinking about them. And I was thinking about my undiagnosed pain. And I was thinking about God.
Sometimes I think the more I read the Bible the less I know. No, that isn't true. I know more about God. More about what He expects of me. More about my beliefs and why I believe them.
But there are things our finite limited minds can't grasp or understand about God.
This used to bother me. Immensely. I don't like not knowing things. I don't like not understanding things.
But apparently as I continue to study Scripture I am finally realizing I won't understand it all. Today I was studying about Edom; reading every reference to Edom in the Bible. I read about the nation of Judah (descendants of Jacob) capturing alive 10,000 Edomites (the sons of Seir - descendants of Esau) and throwing them off a cliff (2 Chronicles 25:11-12.) My mind went to why would God allow that? IDK.
I was reading about Jacob and Esau and how Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for bread and lentil stew (Genesis 25:27-34.) Idiot boy. It has always bothered me how Jacob tricked Isaac to get the blessing (Genesis 27.) I was thinking why would God allow that? IDK.
If we knew everything about God and why He does what He does, His being would only be as almighty as our small ignorant minds. That would be a small god. A teen tiny one.
If scientific medical doctors can't diagnose one simple pain, why on earth do we think we are smart enough to figure out why God lets some things happen to us? Do we think we can reason why God destroyed the entire earth with a flood and only saved 8 people? Why do we go round and round about if the "day" in the Genesis creation account is a literal 24 hour day or an era of time? Why did the animals and children of Jericho have to die too? Why do we waste precious time trying to figure out God's actions or how He did something? As if we could.
I will die with unanswered questions and not understanding it all.
I've finally accepted that.
In the meantime, I want to grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.
Sometimes you just have to say, "I don't know" and be OK with that.
We aren't God. Not even remotely close.
Sometimes we just have to accept that we don't know the HOW or the WHY, but we know the WHO.
And that is good enough after all - to know and trust the WHO who does know the HOW and the WHY.